The Bandage Man

This doodle, found on a worksheet listing sample statements analyzing ABC’s World News Tonight, looks like another movie poster to me. Here are my pitches:

  • The Bandage Man. Ex-cop James Spano, a thumb with a checkered past, is brought in to help find “The Papercraft Killer.” The twist: Spano’s partner on the case is Detective Ogg, a hard-living Neanderthal who slept with Spano’s wife. (Ogg is either a clone from some DNA found in a bone or a guy thawed out of a glacier.) In the end, Spano gets shot in the knuckle, hence the bandage, but he goes on to save Ogg’s life or something.
  • Wednesdays with Alvin. Author Carl Carlson finds out his former professor, Alvin Alvinson, is dying of big nose disease. (It causes your brain to get too much oxygen, I guess.) Carlson said they would stay in touch after graduation, but they didn’t, so he decides make up for lost time by calling in sick every Wednesday and hanging out with Alvinson instead. They mostly just drink beer during their time together. Maybe Alvinson teaches Carlson how to count cards.
  • When a Man Loves a Thumb. Ted and Chris, who have been happily married for 15 minutes, are forced to deal with Chris’ rubber cement addiction when he tries to break into an Elmer’s Glue plant. (Luckily, the factory only produced paste.) In the ultimate sign of love and commitment, Ted moves his cherished rubber cement collection out of the living room to make it easier for Chris at home. They live happily ever after, or at least for another 15 minutes.

Now that my future in Hollywood is assured, feel free to leave a comment below with your pitch for the movie this doodle represents. With the new connections I’m bound to make here, maybe I can hook you up.


6 Responses to “The Bandage Man”

  • seamus Says:

    Another memorable nose from the Reuter canon, and isn’t it de-thawed, Mr. Reuter?

  • AnEscapeGoat Says:

    A Head in the Stars – William Krastman dreamed of one day being an astronaut, but this dream was shattered when he was decapitated in a freakish boating accident. Bodyless and depressed, Krastman turned to drugs and alcohol. Unfortunately without the majority of his internal organs, these had little effect. With nowhere to turn Krastman had no hope – until he met Ivan Gorbenev. Ivan, an ex-cosmonaut, saw the potential in Krastman and made it his mission….to get HIM on a mission….TO SPACE!!!
    >>CUE MONTAGE<<<

  • Arthur Ranney Says:

    “Sangria Tragedy: A Love Story,” opens with our hero, William Thrum, humming a lively tune as he approaches — duh-duh-duh-duh — a bowl of fruit and a recipe for sangria. “Step 1,” he reads aloud. “Slice the citrus fruits into thin slices. Chop the apples into small pieces. Place the cut fruit pieces into a large pitcher.” [Chills crawl up and down the spines of both viewers as the foreshadowing music and sangria recipe — the latter involving a sharp object, perhaps even a knife, but certainly not William — become too much to bear.] “I’ll just take this apple and — OHMYGOD!”

    [Fade to black, then…]

    William awakes in a sunny room with a large bandage wrapped around him and various needles and tubes stuck in whatever orifices thumbs might have. SUDDENLY [duh-duh-duh-duh] the floor is flung open violently and the illegitimate spawn of Barney Gumbel and Michele Bachmann bursts in screaming “I shall smite thee and make Jack Kevorkian look like Mary Poppins!”

    And that’s just the trailer.

    • Andy Says:

      The haunting-yet-touching image of Barney Bachmann smothering William Thrum with a cinder block sold me on this one. Seven tickets, please. (I need a lot of room for my snacks.)

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