Jan 25 2012

A guard has interrupted your jewel heist. Now what?

You hopped the fence, drugged the guard dogs, and scored a hole in the skylight. Now, you’re inside the museum, and some huge diamond is staring you in the face. Everything is going according to plan.

But wait. Are those footsteps? That’s definitely a door opening. A guard is now shining his flashlight into the room. Yikes. Better beat feet and get out of there. Or should you?

No. Contrary to popular belief, security guards can’t see motion. Your best bet is to stay as still as possible and wait for him to pass. Don’t be fooled by his attempts to handcuff you and haul you into a police cruiser; this is all just an elaborate ruse, comparable to a hawk-moth caterpillar pretending to be a snake or an opossum playing dead. You’ll be able to continue your heisting soon enough. (Soon in this case could be anywhere from 1 to 25 years, based on your jurisdiction and priors.) Continue reading …


Jan 18 2012

Under the water, under the weather

It’s a situation most of us of legal drinking age have found ourselves in. You come home late from the sandbar, but you’re not quite done partying. You and your buddy pass around a whiskey bottle, smoke some cigars, and discuss how to fix the world’s problems. Soon, though, you are feeling woozy, so you plop down in bed. When you open your eyes, the ocean is spinning, so you plant one tentacle down on the seafloor in an attempt to steady the drink. Soon, it’s time for work, but you call in sick. You are in no condition to terrorize the deep like this. Continue reading …


Jan 11 2012

‘Death 1, Pete 0′

The Piazza Hotel was in a bind. The management wasn’t discriminatory necessarily, but fundamentally, it was a different story. And now, the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission was poking around.

“How dare they?” the management questioned. “These are our accommodations. They can’t tell us what to do.”

But when terms such as “litigation expenses” and “massive fines” started flying around, the management’s tune changed drastically. Continue reading …